Total Flux

I’m going to see a friend today. I don’t know what we’ll do. Part of that is because I don’t even know who I am anymore. Not that I care what we do, but she might think me weirder than usual.

I have little energy. I no longer get much energy from obsessions, which are my traditional source of energy. I have yet to plug into a new source of energy.

I feel very stable emotionally, immovable really. I don’t feel attached to anything. I feel like I have mourned so many present and future losses. I felt “cried out” years ago. I once read Pema Chodron write: you are the flagpole, emotions are the flag, and events are the wind. No matter how hard the wind whips the flag, the pole doesn’t go anywhere.

I’m not who I used to be and neither am I who I will be in a few years. I don’t know what she’ll think of this intermediate me. What I do know is that I cannot be the old me. The old me holds no interest for the current me.

I am in a place where drama is boring. I can’t get upset about problems people create for themselves. Life has real issues to deal with: disease, death, poverty, injustice, etc. No one needs to create situations that demand resolution. Life will do that. I learned long ago that I did not need to bring situations to a head; others are more than capable of putting themselves in no-win situations and the last thing I need is to get blamed for something I had zilch to do with. I will bend over backwards to help those who truly want and will appreciate my assistance, but I won’t lift a finger to help someone who is not serious about helping themselves.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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