Repressed Issues Coming Up

I never saw this coming, but I should have. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately without an external justification. Nothing is going on right now, but that’s the point.

I have been going to a “church” for about a decade. It is a Greek Orthodox congregation, but I consider it to be the Greek Country Club of Lansing, Michigan. I, along with many others, have been greatly hurt by the priest there and the status quo politics. As long as one ignores the fiscal shenanigans and has no expectation of fiduciary ethics, one is golden.

However, I have had “bigger fish to fry” for many years. I started school, Barry retired, Barry got cancer, Barry got over cancer, I worked during many parts of these years, I graduated, and I got Barry onto Disability. I needed church to be an area of my life that had as little drama as possible. I needed stability.

Now I have stability and time. I’m not working. I’m simply taking care of Barry. Now stuff is bubbling up to the surface. I believe I’m starting to have weird physical problems due to my continuation of church. I’ve noticed that, when I resolve some issue, a corresponding physical problem is magically resolved with it. I feel like I’m just looking for or waiting for an excuse to leave. I am not looking forward to “that call” when Fr. Mark gets nasty…again.

The more I simplify my life and eliminate distractions, the harder it is for me to ignore various issues. The issues feel random, but they are really all those things that have occurred during the past decade where I said, “I’m too overwhelmed to deal with this right now. I’ll have to deal with this later.” They got repressed. It is almost as if when I remove an object or clean something, whatever the object or dirt was covering up or symbolizing erupts.

Later has arrived. It always does. Developing my intuition is greatly threatening to the emotional status quo. Learning and growth are always threatening to the status quo. And I’m getting tired of pretending that I feel and think the same as I did a decade ago. How long will I continue to be willing to play this game?


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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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