Repressed Issues Coming Up

I never saw this coming, but I should have. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately without an external justification. Nothing is going on right now, but that’s the point.

I have been going to a “church” for about a decade. It is a Greek Orthodox congregation, but I consider it to be the Greek Country Club of Lansing, Michigan. I, along with many others, have been greatly hurt by the priest there and the status quo politics. As long as one ignores the fiscal shenanigans and has no expectation of fiduciary ethics, one is golden.

However, I have had “bigger fish to fry” for many years. I started school, Barry retired, Barry got cancer, Barry got over cancer, I worked during many parts of these years, I graduated, and I got Barry onto Disability. I needed church to be an area of my life that had as little drama as possible. I needed stability.

Now I have stability and time. I’m not working. I’m simply taking care of Barry. Now stuff is bubbling up to the surface. I believe I’m starting to have weird physical problems due to my continuation of church. I’ve noticed that, when I resolve some issue, a corresponding physical problem is magically resolved with it. I feel like I’m just looking for or waiting for an excuse to leave. I am not looking forward to “that call” when Fr. Mark gets nasty…again.

The more I simplify my life and eliminate distractions, the harder it is for me to ignore various issues. The issues feel random, but they are really all those things that have occurred during the past decade where I said, “I’m too overwhelmed to deal with this right now. I’ll have to deal with this later.” They got repressed. It is almost as if when I remove an object or clean something, whatever the object or dirt was covering up or symbolizing erupts.

Later has arrived. It always does. Developing my intuition is greatly threatening to the emotional status quo. Learning and growth are always threatening to the status quo. And I’m getting tired of pretending that I feel and think the same as I did a decade ago. How long will I continue to be willing to play this game?

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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