Church End

Tomorrow is my last day at church. It feels weird to say that. I feel excited and a little sad at the same time. I like the idea of being true to myself and not pretending anymore to believe things simply on the basis of someone else’s opinion or supposed “authority.”  Not pretending will be refreshing. I would grieve more except that I have done my grieving over the past several years. Also, it is difficult to grieve over the loss of a one-way relationship. I got along fabulously with everyone else, as long as I fulfilled all of their expectations and had none of my own. You mean that I will no longer be giving and not receiving anymore? Phew.

 Every end is a beginning and every beginning an end. Barry’s health is continuing its downward march. In a few weeks, we see Hamdan the oncologist. It’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops. 

I mentioned Virginia to Barry in an off-hand sort of way. It’s my way of planting a seed in his brain that I am leaving Michigan after he is gone. I am tired of pretending that I will live here indefinitely.

 I don’t know who or what I am, but I am done pretending, being fake, and getting nothing. I can get nothing anywhere. Wait a minute. I already do.


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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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