Bottom of the Sea

“Meditation is like going to the bottom of the sea, where everything is calm and tranquil. On the surface of the sea there may be a multitude of waves, but the sea is not affected below. In its deepest depths, the sea is all silence.” The Gift of Meditation, Sri Chinmoy, http://www.personaltransformation.com/pdfs/Issue33.pdf#page=3

That’s what I really want right now: to be in the silence and be serene, no matter what. I need to be okay. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop regarding Barry’s health. He is so clueless; that is an effect of the Huntington’s. Wednesday is a CAT scan. He hasn’t had one in a year. A lot can happen in a year.

I’m done with church now. I am feeling all the feelings that led me to search for religious certainty in the first place: fear of the future, yearning for guidance, being at loose ends, and all that. The difference is that now those feelings are right at the surface, in my face, and not driving my actions.

Nothing is driving my actions. Actions seem pointless at this moment. Without knowing Barry’s immediate prognosis, anything I might attempt is simply floundering. I feel like I know where actions lead and I have no desire to “go there,” so to speak. I have no desire to repeat any aspect of my past.

I have tons of skills and don’t know if or when I will be using any of them because my life revolves around someone else.

So I sit in silence and watch the waves above.

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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