Blooming Where Stuck

“Make the soil where you’ve been stuck a more beautiful place.” by Dave Bruno

I was looking at a preview of a book that I may purchase (when I am more progressed on the pile of books I am reading now). This resonates with me. We simply cannot always move forward when we wish. Life does not work like that. I don’t believe in plans; I believe in preparation. We can make ourselves into what we want or need to be. Others notice. When they need someone with our skills or traits, lo and behold, our name comes to mind. We can’t always find a job, but we can always make ourselves more employable and, when circumstances allow, perhaps we can move to somewhere there are jobs.

Right now, I’m having a tough time accepting where I am stuck. Barry watches a lot of TV, because that is about all he is capable of. I have a limited tolerance for TV, a fairly high tolerance, but even I have my limit. Before I came to Biggby tonight, some tabloid news show was asking if John Travolta was dyslexic. Who cares? If he wants a reading tutor, he can pay for one himself.

Part of why I feel so stuck is that the weather is just starting to get a tiny bit warmer and I have a raging case of cabin fever. I have to get out or risk going crazy. Watching Barry decline and sitting at home is taking a serious toll on me. I feel like this is a “deathstyle”, not a lifestyle. Life is about movement. If you see something on the road not moving, what do you do? You might assume it is dead, poke it with a stick (to see if it moves in response), or check for a pulse. Movement is a sign of life and being stuck is the opposite of movement. I found myself thinking today, “Is this what it’s like watching someone die?” This is rough. A part of me is dying day by day and I’m unsure there is anything I can do about it.

I feel like everything in our culture is meant to get us to do something, anything at all, to not feel what we are feeling. Religion is an opiate for the masses, but not the only one by far. Let us also include marketing, sex, alcohol, gambling, and whatever else you can think of. The last thing religious authority figures or marketers want is for is to think for ourselves and question the pabulum they’ve been feeding us. Do you care if Travolta is dyslexic? I know I don’t. But as long as people sit around, letting their brains turn into oatmeal, the powers that be can rest assured that the masses are well controlled.

 I need to find a way to move something (emotionally, spiritually, and/or intellectually) so I don’t feel like I am dying inside, regardless of the weather. I cannot continue to live like this. I don’t just want to pretty up my emotional grave.


Tags: ,

About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: