Being of Use in the World
Can I be of use to the world?
It seems like I should have more confidence than to even wonder. God knows that I have had enough training to be of use to someone. But I don’t want to be a corporate cog and that’s what my schooling has trained me to be.
I don’t currently have a job. I am busy taking care of Barry. This is producing a big gap on my resume. I may not be able to quickly find meaningful employment when the moment presents itself.
The problem: I understand systems/organizations well enough to see through their cultural values. Part of being an organization is that of ensuring survival. Survival entails rules, policies, and procedures sufficient to keep everyone in line. Eeeeuuuuuw. Organizational continuity depends upon stability. The issue is that the world we live in is inherently unstable. Companies bribe their employees with wages, benefits, etc. For people needing to “keep up with the Joneses,” this is where it is at. “Stability” is just a euphemism for “slow death.” The only things that are static are dead or were never alive in the first place.
I don’t want to spend my remaining years trying to get people to listen to me. I’m so done with that. I tried with my family, various bosses, and churches that I’ve belonged to. One thing I’ve learned is that you will never receive permission to question the foundational assumptions of an organization/those in power. It simply doesn’t work for them. You will be squished like a bug. They will not stop punishing you until it is clear that you no longer have the will to challenge them on any level. Non-conformity is unforgivable. Conformity is kissing goodbye your values and integrity. Lovely choice.
I may be too cynical to work anywhere ever again. Should I start my own business? What could I sell that I truly feel would make a positive impact on the world? This is the most important question in my life—and I don’t have any assurance that it even has an answer.