Looking for that Vision

As I’ve been reading books on embodied leadership, I’ve realized that I need a vision, something radical enough to keep me going no matter what. I don’t have it and am hoping the books can help me find it. One thing I found out a few years ago is that nothing else will do. No self-improvement plan will do suffice. It must come from within or it will lack the oomph to motivate.

I have no inner vision now. This is serious. I am feeling like nothing in my life is going to change any time soon. That thought is so depressing I almost can’t stand it. Barry had an Uncle Bob with Huntington’s disease. Bob had a wife that actually died before he did. All I remember about her is her sleeping on the couch, just like me. Caretaking took such an emotional toll on her that she died before he did. I don’t want to be in her shoes. I need a bigger vision.

I’ve been struggling with my mood. I feel resentful. I just don’t care anymore. Not a very spiritual attitude. Funny how spirituality goes by the wayside in the face of day-to-day reality. I need a reason to live and I’m not finding it now. I can’t make myself care. I’m already medicated for depression, but pharmaceuticals are a poor substitute for a reason to live.

The only thing I can think of to do that will make me feel better is to get rid of something. I have put a boxful of books in my trunk to drag to the MSU recycling center. One of them is a parallel Bible with four translations that must weigh a good six pounds. I know it cost me about forty dollars over a decade ago, but I haven’t touched it in years. A few days ago, I took my cooler to my friend’s house for when she makes her brief to Michigan. Barry and I have probably used it all of twice in the past twenty years and not since we moved into the house a decade ago. Purging always makes me feel better.

I’ve spent years trying to make myself do things differently by trying to think differently. Now I shall approach from the opposite angle: I am seeking to think differently by physical practices. It all seems to dovetail with the zen books I’ve been reading. The books, especially those by Leo Babauta, all emphasize the importance of habits. Habits are how you get things done on a routine basis and keep things manageable on an ongoing basis. Do I have a choice?

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “Looking for that Vision”

  1. Gede Prama says :

    Excellent website . Lots of useful info here . Thank you and best regards friendship 🙂

  2. philosophojake says :

    Thank you for sharing. I myself believe I need to find a vision. Not because it is required by someone else, society, or anyone. But because Human beings are clearly wired to work with objectives. Visions is a word for colorful, vivid, entrancing, and creative objectives. Thanks for being inspiring.

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