I have been at loose ends lately. This is not good. I have needed something strong and internal to direct me, some guiding value. There are many things I feel strongly about that I am not in a position to pursue, time-wise due to my commitment to Barry. There is no one to take up my slack. I am in the position of taking up other people’s.
Life always finds a way to make things urgent. Gas prices around here are now in the $3.90s. People around here are acting like this is perfectly normal. I am unconvinced. I talked to my friend in Maryland. The highest price she found on her phone app was $3.57. If Michigan was having a hard time keeping people before, it’s in for a serious rough patch now. My new commitment is to not go anywhere unless necessary or invited, to not drive to simply drive or get out of the house. I have plenty of food. If I wasn’t spending much before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I haven’t been spending much lately, anyhow, but now it feels imperative to be a cheap ass. A few months ago, I saw my favorite brand of bacon for $6.49/lb. Partly due to that, I have been eating less meat. (I’ve been trying to gradually reduce my meat consumption, anyhow.) For that kind of price, it needs to be organic and/or gold-plated. Life has been motivating me to make better choices, to find more sustainable alternatives.
What I have to offer to the world is who and what I am. Skills can be acquired. I have the utmost confidence in my ability to learn, so that’s not a huge issue. I have gradually been becoming more orderly. Perhaps that’s what this summer is about for me.
What I want to be is a safe space for people to heal. I have always been interested in “sacred spaces,” with their implications of silence and peace. However, over the past few years, I have had enough sacred space to last a while. Sacred space, for me, now has the insinuations of isolation and condemnation. I used to be interested in “holiness,” which hinted at simplicity and wholeness. Now, I want no part of a cold, judgmental silence that requires me and others to leave who we are at the door. If people don’t feel safe, they weirdly work out their issues on the job or even in random encounters. I am learning that trauma is simply normal, crisis-situation reactions that have not been allowed to complete themselves. Completion provides the wholeness (holiness) that heals.
This is the yin part of me, the space that makes things useful, taking over. This is the source of wisdom. I still have to work on the whole yang thing, the motivation that propels me out into the world.