Struggling with Impermanence
Struggling with impermanence
I am really emotionally struggling right now. Yesterday, the cemetery called and wanted me to come in to verify some information for audit purposes. Okay. I also needed to get started the next phase of direct withdrawal from my checking account in my effort to pre-arrange things for Barry’s eventual demise. I started it last September so I wouldn’t be stuck paying for everything all at once. I did not know it would have this effect on me.
There’s no good way to do this. I am now on a two-year payment plan, paying $300/month. My first thought was, “That’s a lot of money per month. And, still, I might not pay it off before he dies.” My second thought was, “Omigod. What if he actually lives that long? I’d likely have to put him in a nursing home by that point.” I am stuck not knowing which is worse, him dying soon or him suffering for who-knows-how-long.
The last time I felt like this was when it emotionally hit me that he was going to get Huntington’s and that I needed to start working immediately. I had an outlet: I started working. When Barry got cancer, I was already enrolled in business school. I finished my MBA. Now, I have nowhere to go and nothing to lean on. I don’t want to try working with him going downhill and I cannot even imagine going for a DBA. So I am stuck at home, trying not to spend money. I have no outlet.
It’s so funny how the inevitable is so painful. That’s why we avoid it at all costs. In reality, the only thing worse than doing it this way is to have to do it while emotionally overwhelmed, dealing with grieving family members, etc. It’s not like, if I wait a week, any of this stuff will be discounted. The earlier I deal with this stuff, the better. But none of this makes me hate it any less.
I chose the grave marker and decorations, which perfectly express the two of us (a little bulldog above his name facing a little cat above mine). It is so cute. Still haaaating it.