Struggling with Impermanence

Struggling with impermanence

I am really emotionally struggling right now. Yesterday, the cemetery called and wanted me to come in to verify some information for audit purposes. Okay. I also needed to get started the next phase of direct withdrawal from my checking account in my effort to pre-arrange things for Barry’s eventual demise. I started it last September so I wouldn’t be stuck paying for everything all at once. I did not know it would have this effect on me.

There’s no good way to do this. I am now on a two-year payment plan, paying $300/month. My first thought was, “That’s a lot of money per month. And, still, I might not pay it off before he dies.” My second thought was, “Omigod. What if he actually lives that long? I’d likely have to put him in a nursing home by that point.” I am stuck not knowing which is worse, him dying soon or him suffering for who-knows-how-long.

The last time I felt like this was when it emotionally hit me that he was going to get Huntington’s and that I needed to start working immediately. I had an outlet: I started working. When Barry got cancer, I was already enrolled in business school. I finished my MBA. Now, I have nowhere to go and nothing to lean on. I don’t want to try working with him going downhill and I cannot even imagine going for a DBA. So I am stuck at home, trying not to spend money. I have no outlet.

It’s so funny how the inevitable is so painful. That’s why we avoid it at all costs. In reality, the only thing worse than doing it this way is to have to do it while emotionally overwhelmed, dealing with grieving family members, etc. It’s not like, if I wait a week, any of this stuff will be discounted. The earlier I deal with this stuff, the better. But none of this makes me hate it any less.

I chose the grave marker and decorations, which perfectly express the two of us (a little bulldog above his name facing a little cat above mine). It is so cute. Still haaaating it.

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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