No Waiting for Change

I’ve been trying to “live in the moment” very unsuccessfully. The harder I try, the less it seems to work. I know there’s some irony here.
I’ve been hoping things will change for a while now. I have come to a point where I know I need a goal.
Don’t get me wrong. My life was crazy for a quite a few years. I finally got my MBA in December of 2012. This is with Barry’s declining health and me trying to find jobs in order to have something, anything, on my resume for when I would need to support myself. I badly needed a break. And I got one. It’s August 2014 and there is no change on the immediate horizon.
To say I am bored would be an understatement. Trying to be a good Buddhist, I dug in my heels and tried to focus on this day, to become intimate with my life. Perhaps I am just bad at it. I got accustomed to a certain level of intellectual stimulation that I no longer receive.
I keep reading these Buddhist authors, such as Jack Kornfield, that have spent decades of their lives in Asian monasteries honing their skills. I envy that, but I also wonder how that would work in my real life. I do not have the freedom to do even a two-week sesshin. Say I did one and came out with a deep inner silence. That sounds absolutely wonderful–and totally debilitating. How would I go back to a work-a-day world and function like a productive member of society? I can only imagine it happening after Barry passes, and even then, how would I go back to a job?
The idea of change excites me. Today, I decided that I will make change happen, as opposed to waiting for anything to change. One thing I learned in school was taking complete personal responsibility for something. Waiting for things to change is pointless. Things will change, but slower than you want and in the direction of the desires of those individuals and groups that have taken personal responsibility for making the change happen. Anything less is pure victimhood. It reminds me of a song from a few years ago, “Waiting for the World to Change.” I dubbed it, even back then, “The Loser’s Anthem.” Nothing in the past few years has changed my perspective.
This week I have a lot going on, with appointments and the like, but I plan on using my hands to do more cleaning. I also plan to look at homes built out of more ecologically sustainable resources.
I’ve been watching TV shows lately showing bizarre, over-the-top RVs and houses. (Barry can’t do much more than watch TV and therefore it is almost always on, much to my dismay and boredom.) Some of them are truly engineering marvels and I admire the craftsmanship and personalization that goes into them. However, I also see other things, such as bar stools that cost as much as feeding a family for an entire month. I keep thinking, “There has to be a better way.”
I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. Now that sounds like something someone with an MBA in Strategic Management should be doing.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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