Burden of Pretense

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/buddha.html
I was talking to my shrink about what Barry has and hasn’t said. He suggested the three of us get together for an appointment next Tuesday. It sounds like a good idea to me.
I left and went somewhere to eat. I sat there happy and almost giddy with relief. This is very weird, I thought. I know this will be a horrible conversation. Why am I happy?
I was unaware of how tired I am of pretending everything is fine. The unresolved and unclear issues will be clarified. My shrink can ask the questions of Barry that I have asked, and actually expect answers instead of the response I received: “Leave me alone.”
The therapist can also see what I have been seeing. When I described the situation to him, he reacted a little disturbed, like perhaps I was misunderstanding Barry’s intentions. I am not misunderstanding: Barry’s intentions are confused and conflicting. If Barry is honest, he can only give a mixed message. I am trying to decipher his belligerence and confusion with the understanding that Huntington’s is impairing his ability to articulate what he means.
I am glad that everything is coming out in the open. I need support and I need to cover my butt legally. I need Barry to be pushed by someone else to say officially what he only alludes to with me. What’s weird is that I don’t even care what the answers are; I just want to know what I am dealing with. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay. If he wants to find out the reason he is losing weight, we can pursue that. If not, it is time to start getting his affairs in order.
Compassion has to be balanced with reality. As he keeps losing weight, things will only get more difficult, for both of us. The truth cannot be hidden endlessly, no matter how compassionate pretense may seem at the time.

Advertisements

Tags: ,

About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: