Burden of Pretense
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.” http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/b/buddha.html
I was talking to my shrink about what Barry has and hasn’t said. He suggested the three of us get together for an appointment next Tuesday. It sounds like a good idea to me.
I left and went somewhere to eat. I sat there happy and almost giddy with relief. This is very weird, I thought. I know this will be a horrible conversation. Why am I happy?
I was unaware of how tired I am of pretending everything is fine. The unresolved and unclear issues will be clarified. My shrink can ask the questions of Barry that I have asked, and actually expect answers instead of the response I received: “Leave me alone.”
The therapist can also see what I have been seeing. When I described the situation to him, he reacted a little disturbed, like perhaps I was misunderstanding Barry’s intentions. I am not misunderstanding: Barry’s intentions are confused and conflicting. If Barry is honest, he can only give a mixed message. I am trying to decipher his belligerence and confusion with the understanding that Huntington’s is impairing his ability to articulate what he means.
I am glad that everything is coming out in the open. I need support and I need to cover my butt legally. I need Barry to be pushed by someone else to say officially what he only alludes to with me. What’s weird is that I don’t even care what the answers are; I just want to know what I am dealing with. I’m tired of pretending that everything is okay. If he wants to find out the reason he is losing weight, we can pursue that. If not, it is time to start getting his affairs in order.
Compassion has to be balanced with reality. As he keeps losing weight, things will only get more difficult, for both of us. The truth cannot be hidden endlessly, no matter how compassionate pretense may seem at the time.