Consciously on the Journey

I feel so much better. The therapist appointment went about as I expected. Everything got clarified.
My shrink was even like, “So…Barry…Your strategy as things go along is to not know what’s going on because it’s too overwhelming to know what’s going on when you feel like there isn’t much you can do about it. Is that correct?”
“Yeah.”
Denial is the strategy. Why do I feel so much better? Because it’s all out in the open. There is no room for misunderstanding Barry’s motivations. He doesn’t want to change anything, ever. When something happens, we’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
He can be in denial as much as he wants, but now the shrink knows that I am not unilaterally cutting off Barry’s chances of recovery. I am not confused. I am following Barry’s directives (or complete lack thereof). Barry is choosing his path and I am respecting it. If I were him, I might choose the same thing. I feel like I can love him now more freely, without risking myself legally and emotionally. I feel like I am on this journey to death with him, with only me seemingly aware of the end of the journey. It is not my journey, but I am the only one consciously on it.
I’ve been reading “Being with Dying” by Roshi Joan Halifax. She talks about seeing purely and bearing witness. I feel like I am more equipped to do those now that I am not as concerned about covering my butt legally.
It’s so strange how isolating dealing with a person’s impending death is when death is something that every human has in common with all others, human and non-human. It is already an odd trip.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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