Encountering My Own Resistance
I cannot expect my life to move forward if I am resisting doing things I know I need to do.
I have been slamming against a wall of internal resistance. For example, I sent a payment to my student loan lender, and they sent it back! Huh?! I just didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with whatever their problem was, so I put it in the place I put unpaid bills and there it sat for almost a month. So, basically I crawled up to it. I put it by my chair. Then, an hour or two later, I picked it up. Then I looked at it to find out why they sent it back. They said they were not the owner of the loan, which was the Department of Education. I looked at previous correspondence they sent me and it all said that they were part of the DoE. Their reasoning made no sense. I then wrote them a letter saying as much. You see, their new name is Navient, which replaces Sallie Mae, but they said they are my new Department of Education Student Loan Servicer. They are “transitioning” and apparently they do not even know who they are anymore. Such acquisitions and mergers can make companies unsure of their purpose for existence and create customer service nightmares. Welcome to the Student Loan Nightmare-land. This is why I avoid dealing with such issues: I can hardly organize my own life and yet I have to somehow keep others on track. Sometimes, it is just too much.
I don’t have a choice. I have to push through or I allow myself to remain stuck indefinitely. I can’t blame others for my lack of forward movement when I have so many ways of holding myself back.
I am realizing the importance of completing issues/transactions. When things are unsaid/undone, the lack of resolution taints all subsequent interactions with any subconscious similarity at all. I am unwilling to drag around tons of unresolved stuff to my next phase of life. I want a clean slate.
I am not going to do everything right, but everything needs to get done, one way or another. This may not be pretty.