Giving Myself Permission

What a difference a day makes.

I took Barry to the cancer doctor yesterday. The doc made some really good suggestions, like an appetite stimulant and putting the feeding tube back in. Barry rejected them all. He also lost another 2.7 lbs since September 22, about two and a half months ago. This means he is losing about a pound a month. This is not sustainable. Dr. Hamdan was not happy.

Barry and I had a long, honest conversation. I told him I was done pretending everything was fine. I told him I didn’t see him lasting more than a year. I can still barely believe I said that.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in months. The weight of pretense has been killing me. There is no one else I would have pretended so long for. And only in the name of compassion.

I even told him that I will be preparing for the next phase of my life that will not include him. It is very difficult to start preparing to be a butterfly while feeling obligated to pretend that I fully intend on remaining a caterpillar for the next five years.

I feel free for the first time in years.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still ridiculously overwhelmed and have no idea how to do many of the things I need to do. But I know I can learn.


About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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