Giving Myself Permission

What a difference a day makes.

I took Barry to the cancer doctor yesterday. The doc made some really good suggestions, like an appetite stimulant and putting the feeding tube back in. Barry rejected them all. He also lost another 2.7 lbs since September 22, about two and a half months ago. This means he is losing about a pound a month. This is not sustainable. Dr. Hamdan was not happy.

Barry and I had a long, honest conversation. I told him I was done pretending everything was fine. I told him I didn’t see him lasting more than a year. I can still barely believe I said that.

I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in months. The weight of pretense has been killing me. There is no one else I would have pretended so long for. And only in the name of compassion.

I even told him that I will be preparing for the next phase of my life that will not include him. It is very difficult to start preparing to be a butterfly while feeling obligated to pretend that I fully intend on remaining a caterpillar for the next five years.

I feel free for the first time in years.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still ridiculously overwhelmed and have no idea how to do many of the things I need to do. But I know I can learn.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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