Embracing the Darkness

Things have been beyond hard lately.

Dealing with the backing up sewage in the basement has given me intense feelings of powerlessness. I have had to take full responsibility for getting the mess cleaned up, but it has been bigger than I could handle, the worst situation I can think of. Feeling that way, a friend suggested that I embrace the darkness.

So I did what she said. I went to bed and just let any and all feelings arise and surface. It was so painful. My brain was free associating and a word popped into my brain. Shame. Dots got connected all over the place. That was it. The repulsiveness of the situation, the timing, the overwhelm, and the fact that it all occurred in the basement, which represents the subconscious. All of it. Shame has been a primary problem for me for years.

The immediate solution was to call Roto Rooter. They came the day after I called and had the problem solved within an hour at a price lower than I expected. It was so professional and efficient.

The next issue was to apologize to Barry. I told him how sorry and wrong I was, thinking I could handle the situation myself, if I just tried hard enough.

Now I am focusing on letting go of things I have zero control over.

We have been working on a will for him. He may get to see his grandsons next week. It is very difficult to coordinate people’s schedules that I have no influence with.

Honesty and respect are all I can offer when in over my head.

Weirdly, I feel an odd sense of invincibility now. Other things seem like such small potatoes compared to what I have been dealing with lately.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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