Have you ever really horrified yourself?

I just got a new computer. I am not used to it yet.

I have been all about conserving resources lately. Why spend money you don’t have to?

I forgot about one little resource: my mind. If I lose that, I don’t have much left. Winning the lottery wouldn’t help if I lost my sanity to do it.

My world has been shrinking. This past fall was awful. Doctor appointments, Barry’s losing weight, getting an advance directive, doing a will for him, and the sewage backup in the basement. I haven’t been going anywhere or doing anything “unnecessary.”

I have just redefined “necessary.” When Barry pushed me and I told him to slow down because watching TV was one my few pleasures left, I was stunned. I don’t even like TV in general.

I have been tying so hard to have compassion on Barry and trying not to traumatize him by forcing him to move that my world shrank to the point of implosion. (Think black hole.) I forgot about myself. When I stopped having compassion for myself, I stopped having it for him. I was basically waiting for him to die. That’s not the kind of life I want to live.

I have stopped caring what anyone thinks about anything. No amount of approval means anything if I am wishing that either of us were dead.

I have started to pack away a few clothes. I purchased this new computer. I will get Rosetta Stone. If Barry continues to live, we will move, whether he likes it or not. Losing my mind won’t do either of us any good and neither will another Michigan winter.


About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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