Have you ever really horrified yourself?

I just got a new computer. I am not used to it yet.

I have been all about conserving resources lately. Why spend money you don’t have to?

I forgot about one little resource: my mind. If I lose that, I don’t have much left. Winning the lottery wouldn’t help if I lost my sanity to do it.

My world has been shrinking. This past fall was awful. Doctor appointments, Barry’s losing weight, getting an advance directive, doing a will for him, and the sewage backup in the basement. I haven’t been going anywhere or doing anything “unnecessary.”

I have just redefined “necessary.” When Barry pushed me and I told him to slow down because watching TV was one my few pleasures left, I was stunned. I don’t even like TV in general.

I have been tying so hard to have compassion on Barry and trying not to traumatize him by forcing him to move that my world shrank to the point of implosion. (Think black hole.) I forgot about myself. When I stopped having compassion for myself, I stopped having it for him. I was basically waiting for him to die. That’s not the kind of life I want to live.

I have stopped caring what anyone thinks about anything. No amount of approval means anything if I am wishing that either of us were dead.

I have started to pack away a few clothes. I purchased this new computer. I will get Rosetta Stone. If Barry continues to live, we will move, whether he likes it or not. Losing my mind won’t do either of us any good and neither will another Michigan winter.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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