Subconsciously Annoying Myself

I have a strange “problem,” if that is actually what it is.

Many years ago, I realized that I jiggle my legs to keep myself awake. People thought I was nervous. So did I–until I tried to stop. When I stopped myself, I would find myself falling asleep. Many years later, I realized I was obsessing about things to achieve the same purpose, staying awake. I know this was the intention because, when I stopped, bam, I was asleep. Even currently, I consume caffeine to maintain awakeness. This habit is blatant and super-deliberate. There is no pretense of anything else.

Are these things real problems? They make zazen difficult for me. Perhaps that is a sufficient definition of “problem.” I have struggled my whole life with depression. For me, a big part of depression is the perpetual propensity to snooze in all conditions given half a chance. Right now, I am off any anti-depressants. My mood is fine. But I do want to nap. And the weather has been hibernation-inducing. Perhaps my propensity to snooze is normal in this frozen tundra. I wish I knew what normal was.

I want to be more Zen. I try to sit but then fall asleep. This is why I rebel at the idea of Mindful Based Stress Reduction. For me, it works. Too well. I feel like I am doing it wrong. I just suspect that my experience is not what the Buddha was trying to communicate.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Subconsciously Annoying Myself”

  1. tiramit says :

    There needs to be an urgency to it. I read somewhere about monks training in mindfulness by meditating while seated on narrow mountain paths, facing a sheer drop down into the space below…

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