Everything I see reminds me of how little control I have over anything. So many things are happening and I observe the results.
I cannot “let go” of anything; neither do I have the energy to “hang on.” Things are what they are. I cannot negotiate because I have nothing: no emotional energy, no motivation, and no plans. There will be no quid pro quo because I have neither quid nor quo. “Shoulds” are meaningless. People can either cut me some slack or get used to me not being in their lives. I can neither go over, around, nor under my issues. I go through them second by second.
I have been reading this Buddhist book, Nothing Holy About It, by Tim Burkett. He talks about the traditional hindrances: 1. Sensual desire, 2. Ill will, 3. Sloth and torpor, 4. Restlessness and worry, and 5. Doubt.
What do you do when you can’t handle one of the hindrances? He gives five ways to train with the hindrances (p, 177): 1. Putting aside, 2. Letting go or just letting be, 3. Opening through the center, 4. Expanding our field of awareness, and 5. Cultivating a full awareness of feelings. You go down the list, trying them all. When all else fails, all one can do is to cultivate a full awareness of feelings.
That’s where I am. My hindrance is complete and absolute physical, emotional, and spiritual exhaustion, but the solutions are the same.
This is why I love Buddhism: it is so reality-based.