“But Buddha didn’t separate from his emotions. That just creates conflict between who we are and who we think we should be. Buddhism is about acceptance. How are we going to see our negative emotions if we keep pushing them away with our judgments and criticism? Clear seeing—vidya—is the beginning of freeing.” Nothing Holy About It, by Tim Burkett, p. 74

This is where I am. Many years ago, I decided that I was going to deal honestly with my feelings and not worry about what the world thinks. I have little to no tolerance for pretense.

Where I am is awful. Imagine having all your issues (fears, insecurities, hypocrisies, resentments, etc.) being tripped at once. I know I have hit the center of the onion because I alternate between feeling like someone is sitting on my chest and being nauseous.

I never thought my life would come to this: taking care of Barry, getting the house ready for eventual sale, car problems, and friendship problems, all at once. And now that I am back on my anti-depressant, I have enough energy to bawl my eyes out at random times. Before, I was just too tired. Now I have the energy to feel and a little denial would sure come in handy right about now. Continuing to feel this way would make life not worth living. No one should have to feel like this indefinitely. Logically, and Buddhist-ly, I know that all things, including emotions, are fleeting. But “fleeting” has been going on for about seven years now. And I’m sooooo ready for it to end.

My mammogram turned out normal and, I admit it, I am a little disappointed. I want this misery to be over, even if it means I am history. I’ve accomplished some of what I’ve wanted to and I’m good with that. So I’m back to hoping Barry dies soon, seeing as I’m likely to keep living.

So now I’m left with a life I am uninterested in maintaining. That goes on and on and on…

Vidya may not be that valuable after all. I clearly see my misery and hope that someday it may end. Greeeeeaaaat. Vidya sucks, at least for the time being.


About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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