Expanding My Time Horizon

Nothing traumatic happened this past week! Yea!

This lack of drama has enabled me to get more done in an orderly, equanimous fashion. I suspect this is how Zen is supposed to be or feel. I do things, I rest, and I contemplate what to do next, as opposed to numbly going forward.

Three weeks ago, I could barely think ten minutes ahead. Now I am wondering what I will do after I have the house ready to sell. Huge difference.

I am sorting out what to keep and what not to keep, in regard to possessions and relationships. What is worthy of my resource investment? What isn’t are the things/relationships that were not helpful in my hour of greatest need. Going through the crap in the basement has been truly eye-opening. I can’t believe the stuff I mindlessly saved over the years: papers, knick-knacks, pictures, even a coat crammed in a box! It is all so random.

I have been so stunned that I give myself a lot of credit for functioning at all.

Now I am fishing within myself to see if I have any desires left. Can a person really live without any desires? Even Shunryu Suzuki moved to San Francisco from Japan due to some intuition/desire. My old dreams are gone. Trying to resurrect them would feel fake. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve thrown away most of her stuff in an effort to travel lightly and function in an entirely different way. How do I have goals when the old “I” is gone? I don’t know what road I am on, so how do I make plans now that I’m no longer so frozen in trauma?

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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