Secret Knowledge

I don’t know what to do.

This past Wednesday, I took Barry to a thyroid sonography appointment. He was horizontal on the table and the sonographer was semi-over him taking pictures. I was sitting nearby (filling out forms) and could see the monitor of what was being scanned. The view was excellent and the image sharp.

What I saw: plenty of nodules on the thyroid. The sonographer would find a few and take multiple perspectives, sometimes adding color that I am sure represented something.

Does this mean they are cancerous (malignant)? Not necessarily. But Barry has some huge risk factors for cancer of the thyroid: he has had cancer previously and also major head-and-neck radiation to deal with said cancer. Barry is not a pre-menopausal woman with thyroid sluggishness. He is a 63 YO male with a history of cancer and a TSH level over 9. Something is wrong, even if it isn’t cancer.

I casually mentioned that I saw something on the sonogram. He did not inquire. Is he living in denial? Could anyone blame him?

What kills me is acting like everything is fine and routine. The last time he had questionable test results, they didn’t contact us until the following Monday afternoon. La-la-la-la-la.

I want a life where I don’t have to pretend. I am tired of acting like I don’t feel things I do feel, like I do feel things I don’t feel, like things are normal when they are anything but, like I believe or think things that I don’t anymore, like I don’t see the bigger picture when I do, like I don’t see the train coming even as I try to discreetly get myself off the tracks. I want to live a life of integrity. Is such a thing even possible?


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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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