Practicing What I Preach

Have you ever found yourself giving others the same advice to the point that there was a clear theme? That’s where I am. I have been telling my friends that, when their external situations are spinning out of control, the real long-term answers can only come from within. They want me to tell them what to do and I don’t have a clue.

Now I am taking my own advice. I feel like my own life is spinning out of control. I have zero control over Barry’s health, when the house sells, when the couple of new windows get installed, etc. I realized yesterday that I was getting seriously depressed again. I so hate this life I am living and pretending that I am okay with things as they are is simply not working. I felt how desperately unhappy I truly am. So I am meditating more and just listening (hard!) to what’s going on inside me. I don’t want to miss any intuitive guidance should I receive any.

I haven’t received any visions, but when I woke up this morning, something had shifted. I am now investing my time and energy, as much as possible, on my future. I am done investing my precious resources on a situation I have no interest in prolonging.

One thing I am doing is to not sit around and watch much TV with Barry. I always have abundant reading material and he needs to get accustomed to watching TV without me. I plan on working after the move. If Barry needs adult daycare, then every penny I make shall go towards that, but the point is clear: I will work and get a career going.

My life needs meaning beyond being someone’s long-term, never-ending, maritally-bound caretaker. Every time I start to think about when Barry will die, I do something that will prepare me and/or the house for the move. I am channeling my emotions towards something I actually have some modicum of control over.

Spending time getting behind my thoughts and just witnessing them has not granted me any life-altering visions. What it has done, however, is give me the emotional space to process what I am feeling and allow reality to transform my life, as opposed to me just acting like a good little victim, which is what I was raised to be.

I feel that I have little choice. When the outer world is chaotic, true direction can only be found by going within. This is true for everyone, including me.

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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