The Upside of Emptiness
Yesterday was fabulous. I went to a local bookstore, ate a salad, and relaxed.
No drama or trauma.
I believe that my refusal to repress anything whatsoever anymore has cleared the decks for days like yesterday. I am now dealing with my current feelings, which, no matter how ugly they may be, are fleeting. I feel like the past year scraped me out emotionally. I have the tools to eliminate the emotional clogs that kept me stuck. It is an emptiness I have never had.
Meditation enables me to know what I am feeling when I don’t know. I don’t do it when feeling overwhelmed because I can only handle so much at once. Having everything come up simultaneously can be re-traumatizing. I feel a clarity, or at least the option of having it, that I never had before.
It’s been a little more than a year since going to church. I don’t miss it at all. I thought I might. But I don’t miss the emotional manipulation. Part of what was annoying as a Protestant was the blatant whipping of people into an emotional frenzy. Being Orthodox brought some relief because the church really doesn’t care what you feel. It’s not in the business of making you feel good. The only thing better than a little emotional manipulation is no manipulation. I have a deep suspicion of someone that seems to have a great stake in making sure I feel certain things while ensuring that I don’t actually stop and think about what they are saying and their motives for saying it. Whipping people up emotionally is cult-like. Period.
I can use this time of non-drama for strategizing for the new year. Things have stopped for the moment. I have been needing this time of refreshing for a long time. (Exhale.)