Change: Inexorable and Interminable

I am somehow panicked and bored and frustrated at the same time. Things must be happening right on time.

Change is always too fast or too slow by human standards.

I decided to make the most of this point in my life by volunteering at a women’s center. It has been fulfilling and very meaningful. I can continue to use my skills for the greater good while I am stuck here.

Part of the feeling stuck is the weather, which is cold, windy, and miserable. Good for being indoors and drinking hot chocolate.

Today, Barry and I went to DeLuca’s for pizza. Best pizza in town, hands’ down. Sitting directly across from him (as opposed to home, where I sit more to his side), I could see the lump growing under his right eye so clearly it amazed me. I noticed it about a month ago and it seemed to shrink and morph slightly. But today, I had a hard time not staring.

He hasn’t mentioned it and I won’t because, to some degree, we’ve already had these conversations. We’ve already done the Advance Directive, the will, etc. I even have our plots and most funeral arrangements paid for. He has a palliative care plan in place by the physician’s assistant. The only immediate issue is pain. Unless the lump hurts, I don’t want anything done to it. If we went to the doctor, what would they want to do? Take a biopsy or sample of some kind, which would be traumatic and painful. And pointless, given that he has expressed an unwillingness to treat.

So I watch and say nothing. But now I have a twinge of panic. It’s not the prospect of change that scares me; it’s the involuntariness of it, not having a choice.

My life reminds me of a medical school student’s. I study and study. I do better on some tests than others. Sometimes I feel downright behind compared to my peers. Then I go home for Christmas vacation and talk to people that I haven’t seen in years. And it is weird as hell because they haven’t changed at all. Time has moved on without them. I didn’t see or feel myself growing or changing because I was surrounded by others on the same journey, in the same boat.

Things are a’changin’. Right on time, I suppose.

I feel like running outside, screaming, “Impermanence is real! Get your affairs in order!” All I can do is to take my own advice.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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