Feeling Cramped

I feel like a mean person. Part of it is that I feel like people don’t understand. Maybe they don’t, but I am feeling really claustrophobic in my life.

The other day, I asked Barry if he planned to look at the lump on his neck and he said no. I basically went off on him. I explained that I do not have the option of not noticing things. And that if he chooses to not even so much as look at it, I will see him simply as a child that I have to take care of and not as an adult. If he gets to live in la-la land while I handle everything by myself, I will consider myself to be the only grown-up in this relationship.

Part of the anxiety is knowing that if he lives indefinitely, I will have to put him into a nursing home and I am not looking forward to that. I do not want to deal with the insurance company that has already denied one very valid claim. (The insurance industry is evil. Definition of evil: putting profits before people’s needs.)

The feeling is that I can’t move in any direction.

A bit of possible good news: two different friends told me Monday that they intuitively believe my house will sell by June. That would be awesome.

Also good: the snow is mostly gone. Shoveling last week wore me out. It is physically and emotionally oppressive to shovel snow in a state I hate (Michigan). It is very symbolic of the burdens of my life.

I am so sorry. I have never been very good at socializing and all I want to do now is crawl under the covers until Barry is six feet under.

I am sorry, Ninasusan, if I am overly curt. I’m even worse in person.

I hope I’m not like this forever. I meditate and am trying to act like a normal human in vey abnormal circumstances. By the time I get good at it, my time might be up.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “Feeling Cramped”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Your feelings are like the weather….they are yours and until those things change in your life, your feelings will not. They are your feelings. No reason to apologize for Them!!! That’s a fact. When you are buried so deep that you can’t see light, it’s a bad place….and you are in a bad place. I know you don’t need me to say that….but it is what it is. I think you are learning a lot about yourself and are figuring out some of the shit….you are not a mean person or a bad person you are just mad as hell!

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    I am probably the person most uncomfortable with my anger. When this repressed stuff comes up, in addition to a sucky reality, it is not pretty.

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