Prioritizing My Needs

A lot of stuff is happening.

I’ve been wondering about the lump on Barry’s neck. I talked about it with my shrink and he suggested that I take Barry in to the physician’s assistant (PA) just to have it visually looked at. No biopsy, X-rays, or anything like that. This would be for me to have a clue. Perhaps it’s just an infected salivary gland or something similar. I thought, “I could do that.” I decided to make an appointment for that purpose. Barry is not happy. In his mind, since we have agreed that we don’t plan on biopsying anything or pursuing treatment, we obviously don’t need to know what anything is. I never agreed to that. He doesn’t like that my imagination runs away with me, but that is what inevitably happens when I have no information and everything is left to my imagination. I put my need for accurate information ahead of his need to pretend that everything is normal. I feel so much better at even the prospect of real information. Whether the news is good or bad, I want to know.

I came home yesterday to a call from the office on aging regarding Barry being on a waiting list for in-home care. I’ll find out what that is about. If I could get reasonably priced respite care, I could do more volunteering. I want to have some semblance of a life. I really don’t feel like I do at this point.

I feel like an actor in a play that is unwilling to put on the mask and play the assigned role. The mask is called the “persona” and I have kicked mine to the curb. I am standing off-stage saying, “You want me to do what exactly? Are you kidding?” I’m not throwing a fit; I’m just putting on my coat and getting my car keys. I’m preparing to go to a Biggby’s and get a big mocha. Caffeine is my addiction of choice, and chocolate and coffee are the magic combo.

I believe there is an urge toward wholeness. I blogged about feeling cramped. A day or two later, I dreamt about being in a very large field. I woke up to use the bathroom mumbling, “So much space. So much space.” A normal person would’ve thought I was nuts. I believe my subconscious was doing what it could to right my psychological ship. Some part of me wants to feel sane. My needs make themselves known in such an interesting variety of ways.

It feels good to prioritize my needs for a change. Not natural but good.



About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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