Playing Games with Myself

I am procrastinating. I don’t want to send in my Sallie Mae information this year, even though it is pretty much exactly like my info last year. Since my adjusted gross income is less than half what I owe, I will not have to make payments this year, either. So what’s the issue? All I can think of is that I messed it up last year by filling out a section regarding Barry. Since we filed taxes jointly, I naturally assumed it was necessary. No. I filled it out in error because he does not have student loans. No loans means don’t fill it out. I had to send them a copy of my POA I have over him and then they were disputing my durable POA because the notary’s commission had expired in 2013. I had to almost threaten them with legal action because they didn’t understand the concept of a “durable” POA. It never expires. Kind of the point. Now I need to make absolutely certain that I don’t make the same mistake again this year.

Part of my issue is that I am also trying to kill time without driving myself nuts. Next week, I take Barry to the physician’s assistant to have that lump looked at. Do I know that it’s a tumor? No. What I do know: It’s a lump, it doesn’t hurt, and it’s exactly where the last tumor was. If it hurt, that would actually be a good sign because swelling plus pain equals infection, which is generally easily cured with antibiotics. If it’s not an infection, then WTF?

I’m just tired of not knowing anything. Part of me doesn’t care anymore what it may or may not be.

What do I want? I want, more than anything else in the world, to be able to stop pretending that everything is fine. (Not that I’ve been doing a great job of it.) I want validation that my concerns regarding the lump are not hypochondria. For a normal person, a lump does not necessarily indicate cancer. It’s kind of like having a headache and saying, “It must be a brain tumor.” If you don’t have a history of cancer, that conclusion is likely a delusional leap. There are a million other far more likely scenarios. However, if you did have a brain tumor five years ago and now the headaches are back, the conclusion might be perfectly reasonable. Cancer is truly a game-changer.

I want to live an authentic life. I want to not have to pretend things are normal as they collapse at my feet. I want to be able to grieve at home. Yesterday, because it was Friday, I went to mall before buying groceries. I spent probably a half hour crying. If I did that at home, Barry would think I was over-dramatizing things. Uh, no. These are my real feelings. But if I express them at home, I have to deal with my feelings plus his reactions to my feelings. That just ain’t worth it most of the time.

So I spend my time avoiding my feelings and trying to get things accomplished. And driving myself nuts.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “Playing Games with Myself”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I’m feeling negative toward Barry….does he have a clue?

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    No. When I tried to make him look at the lump, he actually closed his eyes. He will not deal with reality on any level. I so wish I had that option. Part of me is just envious. That’s my challenge.

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