Just an Update

I took Barry to the physician’s assistant yesterday. I feel some better.

She saw the new lump (where the old tumor had been). If Barry wants, we can have him get a CAT scan, but he would have to be heavily sedated due to the Huntington’s. Not gonna happen.

I feel a little better because she affirmed that I am neither crazy nor blowing things out of proportion. This is not Cindy being paranoid. The lump is very real.

But I am going somewhat crazy because Barry is simply acting like things are normal. By what perverse definition of “normal”? I heard him tell one of his sponsors Monday that he had a routine scheduled for Tuesday. Routine?! Are you freaking kidding me? Your wife thinks the tumor is back and is dragging your butt to the doctor’s office to have it looked at and this is your concept of “routine”? He seems to have close to no emotional reaction. I feel like I am dealing with reality alone. I doubt I will feel terribly guilty when the time comes for me to put him in a nursing home because he seems just a little too okay with dumping the burden of dealing with reality on my shoulders. I am dumbfounded.

My issues come from dealing with my family and their denial of my brothers using drugs. I simply have no respect for denial as a coping mechanism because all it does is to shift the responsibility onto everyone else around the person in denial. Reality is stern and cruel and takes no prisoners.

I hope I never do to someone else what Barry is doing to me right now.


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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Just an Update”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I hope not either. Denial is very painful to watch!…and irritating. I don’t know what to say about Barry. Apparently he has given up. I hope you get some freedom soon!

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