Pretending to Let Others Lead

I have a new computer. The other one died suddenly.

The purpose of buying a new computer is to be able to job hunt when Barry passes. And to use email.

Barry doesn’t want to know what’s going on, so I won’t tell him. I will leave him in the dark, all the while making plans.

I am letting things happen. For example, I know that he has a dentist appointment at the end of April. I am not going to say anything to either of them. If the dentist is competent, he will notice the lump on Barry’s neck that was not there six months ago. And the bad breath. (Who knew bad breath could be a sign of oral cancer? Internet research.) And possibly the stuffy nose.

If I say something, it is all about me—and I am done with that. We’ll see what Dr. Dewitt has to say. I won’t pretend to act surprised.

Even if he doesn’t, Barry still has a new, suspicious lump that will not be treated.

Meanwhile, I continue to get things in order and keep the boat afloat.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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