Life is Dangerous Anyway

“You need courage to find out what you really want in life,and what you want might be dangerous. But life is dangerous anyway, and there is a beauty in becoming more and more fully who you are, as well as being pulled along by your red thread.” John Tarrant, Bring Me the Rhinoceros, p. 78

I don’t know who I am, but I might be obnoxious.

As a woman in today’s world, the expectations of family care taking fall fully upon my shoulders.Do I resent it? You bet. The concept of equality is a joke when burdened with all the responsibility and little recognition for it.

Who I am has frankly not mattered much over the years. Certain things had to get done and Barry was the only one with a job, so I did what I could. Then Barry retired and got cancer and Huntington’s and could not do much of anything. Now, I strongly suspect the cancer is back (there is a suspicious lump without a biopsy) and am looking at likely being single again within a year. And I discovered to my horror last year that the people I thought I could count on were only being polite. My “support system” has/had zero to offer.

I might be a nasty bitch. I don’t know. I’ve never had the opportunity to find out, given all the roles I’ve played: wife, step-mother, daughter, sister, sister-in-law, friend, student, volunteer, church member, etc.

I want to find out who I am, if there is such a thing. Sometimes I wonder if there are simply states of consciousness that we tap into. I’ve heard mediums say that a piece of a dead person’s anger has somehow detached itself from the remainder of the personality and taken on a life of its own, being fed by the anger of others in that location. So…the feelings are not necessarily who you are. Are we all just playing roles?

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

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