Starting Over Someday

“If you’re contemplating suicide, my advice is, go ahead and kill yourself. But don’t do it with a rope or a gun or a knife or a handful of pills. Don’t do it by destroying your body. Do it by cutting off your former life and going in a completely new direction. I know that’s not easy. I know it might even seem impossible. If you’d have asked me before that spring day in 1992, I would have told you it was absolutely impossible for me to do any of the things I’ve done since that day. It took a lot of very hard effort before things started to change even a little bit. But when they did, they really did.” Brad Warner, http://www.lionsroar.com/right-way-kill/

I’ve often thought about killing myself. I don’t care who knows that. What I like about this article is that it addresses the real issues: needing a clean slate and letting go of commitments made at a time of greater immaturity.

When Barry passes someday, I am starting over. I’ve been pushing on the Spanish in the meantime and I still have all the responsibilities for two.

We went to the dentist the other day. I thought that the dentist, out of all the doctors, might see something inside Barry’s mouth that might correspond to the lump the physician’s assistant verified. Nope. But him not seeing anything does not imply that the cancer has not spread to Barry’s lungs or sinuses. His view is extremely limited. A genuine diagnosis would require tests Barry is unwilling to undergo.

Regardless: Barry will not live forever and his health goes steadily downhill. I need to be ready.

I have to let go of everything from the past. That is not easy. I wonder if a clean slate is really possible. I still feel like an overwhelmed dufus. How do I give myself a clean slate while keeping the old, rickety (sinking) boat of my life temporarily afloat?

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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