Difficult Conversation

I had a tough conversation with Barry this morning.

I know he does not want to leave Michigan, so I’ve been contemplating how to leave without him. Do I need a divorce? Can we just be separated? How do I go about getting half his Social Security and pension? (It shouldn’t be all that problematic, seeing as I already have general durable POA over him).

When I started the conversation, he made it clear he wanted to be with me. I explained that I am not capable of taking care of both him and the house; that’s why the house has been on the market for a year. Taking care of him is no fun, but doing that plus dealing with the house is not possible. I am falling further behind all the time. I truly suck as a homeowner.

I also explained that, as his health goes downhill, my ability to take care of him does not automatically improve. I told him that the only reason we were still in Michigan is because I didn’t think he would live this long. If I had suspected even a tiny bit that we would still be here in 2016, I would have walked away from the house and declared bankruptcy. We would be halfway towards restoring our credit by now. I told him that in a couple of years, we will not be together anyhow. Either he will be dead or in a nursing home and I will be trying to visit him when I can. I reminded him of his dad’s choice to die the day before entering a nursing home. The longer and harder he holds on, the less he is going to like the choices I will be forced to make.

I feel like a horrible person, but also greatly relieved. I feel like, at the very least, I am not making these plans and then springing them on him from out of nowhere. Also, I don’t want to be suicidal and, with no light at the end of the tunnel, I have been going to bed lately hoping not to wake up. This is a walking, talking death and I just don’t have much to lose anymore.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Difficult Conversation”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Seems you move closer everyday to what you know is the answer!

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