My Savings Might Bite It

I’ve gone over the edge again, but that’s what happens when your life is a living Chinese water torture test.

Reality: I cannot take care of myself,Barry, and the house simultaneously and adequately.

I have been trying to keep our savings for when I move. (I’ve even thought of it as my “moving money.”)

The above two sentences are contradictory in my world. I did not fully understand that until this past week. What good is “moving money” if I never make it out of Michigan?

Last year, I started to understand that I simply could not take care of Barry and the house. Then I got an iffy mammogram. Then my car started having problems. Then someone shot a BB in my living room window. Then Barry had blood in his urine and a high PSA. Then someone shot a bullet into my living room window. Last year was simply bizarro.

Trauma forced me to cope and just shove all those feelings aside while I dealt with the practical details of life. This year has been relatively calm and trauma-free.

So all those feelings I could not process last year all rose to the surface gradually this year, climaxing the past couple of weeks.

Something (besides my sanity!) has got to give. If I cannot take care of myself, Barry, and the house, something has got to go. And I have spent way too many nights hoping to fall asleep and not wake up. What variable do I have any control over? The price of my house. So I called my realtor and I am lowering the price by four thousand. If no interest is shown by September, I will lower it another four thousand. And I will keep doing that until it sells. I don’t care if we have to charge the closing fees on our credit card. No kidding.

My instincts were right: something needs to die. And it may be my ultimate symbol of security, the money in the bank. I have been trying to do everything in a logical, responsible, sensible order, and keep Barry as comfortable as possible in the meantime.  Not working.

Whenever change is called for, some sacrifice has to be made. That’s why those college advertisements piss me off so bad. You know the ones. “Get a degree in your spare time.” Uh, no. Education is a major commitment and if you are working full-time and going to school, you will have no life outside of work and school for the duration of your education. To imply otherwise is the height of false advertising. You have to kiss your life good-bye until commencement. That’s how it works. Any change you desire requires sacrifice. Period. I may need to sacrifice our savings. What is getting out from under this house worth to me? What sacrifice am I willing to make? Based on my feelings this past year, the complete emptying of our savings would be a small sacrifice indeed.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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