Resolving What I Can Internally

I am trying to take advantage of the relative lack of drama this minute.

If last year taught me anything, it is that coping is far different than actually dealing with feelings and to do what I can while I can. Let’s see, what has happened in the last year? Iffy mammogram, serious car problems, BB in the living room window, Barry’s blood in the urine, his high PSA levels, bullet through the living room window, Barry’s lump on the neck, his chronic cough, oh good grief.

Yes, I coped. Not all that well at times, but I got a lot done, more than I ever thought possible. I simply did not have the energy to do everything that needed to be done and simultaneously give a rat’s ass about other people’s opinions. I lost the ability and desire to care and play social games.

I coped by not dealing with feelings back then. I couldn’t if I had wanted to.

Now it is next summer. I am dealing with all those feelings I couldn’t touch back then. I am doing connected breathing exercises and letting everything possible come up for processing. I realized yesterday that I am committed to doing these present-moment exercises for the rest of my life. Am I going to do them perfectly? Hardly. I don’t care. There is an urgency because I have no idea when drama will kick back into high gear. Barry’s health care providers are in palliative care mode and not expressing themselves much, out of respect for him I assume. This is my chance to internally resolve issues as much as possible. I am in charge of nothing.

This is maybe the only thing I have any control over whatsoever. If the house doesn’t sell by October 1st, I will be lowering the price another $5k. I will do what I have to to move forward. Emotionally,  with the breathing, I can feel a difference already. Stuff is coming up. Stuff I could not have handled this time last year. No way. This is my chance. I know I don’t want to take those feelings with me to the next phase of my life.

I am in a place of rejecting drama. Life hands you enough on its own. I’ll just let it find me and, even then, I might just walk away.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

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