The other day, I was meditating, when the phone rang and it just hit me so hard—the limit of my ability to do even the smallest of things for myself. Of course, next time I want to meditate I will turn off the ringer of my phone, hoping to remember to turn it back on afterwards.
It’s not that I can’t do anything for myself. I go exercise and pet a cat at a friend’s place and do one morning of volunteering and practice Spanish online. It’s just that if I am looking for true, lasting change, it’s not going to happen as long as I am playing caretaker. As long as my life is not about me, it’s all just play-acting, trying to keep my sanity and not let my brain turn to oatmeal while taking care of Barry.
Doing “the presence process” takes the blinders off. Eliminating distraction is eye-opening.
I’ve been getting things done that need to get done, things that are important but not necessarily urgent. I got some recall work done on my car, which will stop an oil leak, according to the dealership guy. Also, I got an eye exam, in preparation for getting my driver’s license renewed. I need to have this stuff done before the next phase of my life begins suddenly and unexpectedly. There is no drama currently, so now is my chance. These are the things that would instantly fall to the bottom of my priority list in an emergency.
I am so much more careful now regarding what I put my energy towards. I have to take Barry here and there. I have to make meals and take care the house, that kind of thing. A lot of the rest is negotiable and flexible. I am so much more deliberate and intentional than I ever knew was possible. I have had to downward adjust my expectations as to what I can accomplish for myself, by myself. And let the rest go (including little things like hopes and dreams), day by day.