Panic Attacks?

I was talking to a friend a few days ago, telling her about lying in bed and listening to my heart pound and she characterized it later in the conversation as a “panic attack.” I had never thought of it that way, primarily because I do not hyperventilate.

I feel that old, familiar foot-standing-in-the-middle-of-my-chest feeling and wonder if this is what a heart attack might feel like. Sometimes, I pray to die simply because walking around feeling that way is truly oppressive.

It can be triggered. Today, for example, is haul-away day, the day to get rid of as much as possible before moving. Part of me feels that everything going on is wrong. This is my life and I hate having to do all of this myself more than words can say. Barry does not participate. I don’t know how things are going to go. The anger is palpable. Literally.

Logically, moving is not just right—it is non-negotiable. I could not take care of the house and Barry, so I sold the house. Now it is time to start vacating it. This is all very reasonable. Moving is essential. Snow is not far away. I have driven to Grand Rapids in late October in whiteout conditions when I was going to school. This needs to happen soon.

But my emotions are not cooperating. Meditating becomes nothing more than mindfulness of my chest aching. Whether my mind thinks something or is empty, the physical sensations are right there. Do other people feel this way? Is this normal?




About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

One response to “Panic Attacks?”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Yes. The unknown scares me….it causes me to mental flap continuously..the only way I get it to stop is action. Anything…just accomplish something!

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