Setting My Sights Low

We move Thursday.

Right now, my only goal is to be functional throughout this process. I got a good night’s sleep last night, thanks to taking an anti-histamine. I don’t like relying on drugs to function, but it beats the heck out of staying up all night listening to my heart beat. I don’t care if I have to take drugs every night for the next week if it keeps me up and running.

I feel like I understand more now how my friend felt a couple years ago when she moved. Her house was getting foreclosed on. She was declaring bankruptcy. She had to put a couple of her dogs to sleep because they were not handling the move well or adjusting to apartment living (and were too old and sickly to train and discipline). She was looking for a job in another state and moving all her crap. She has heart issues.

My move is comparatively leisurely. I am able to move more at my own pace. I don’t have heart problems. I don’t have to work right now.

My main issues are the internal emotions. The external drama is actually quite minimal. It’s all me. I am angry that my life has become so small and unambitious. I have all this education and am doing nothing with it because I am keeping a sick husband going. I am angry at myself for all those years of not getting clearer as to what I want. Part of me is furious that I have to move at all, let alone do all the organizing.

What I am trying to focus on is that this is temporary. Barry is going downhill and accelerating his descent. My parents validated that this past weekend. It’s not just my imagination. Every time he coughs or hacks, the urgency factor to move goes up exponentially. I need to be ready for when he dies. That is a big part of why I cannot deal with a house and him. For him, this move is inconvenient; for me, it is a giant pain in the butt, but also non-negotiable.

And so I pack. And try to exercise. And meditate. And take anti-stress homeopathic herbs. And anything else I can think of to make me functional. Whatever it takes to be okay. Nothing else matters.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Setting My Sights Low”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I’m way behind. I haven’t read and I haven’t blogged. You weren’t coming up in my feed so I had to go back a ways to catch up. It sounds so trite but hang in there…I know you are because you are getting your feelings out…that’s a big thing. On to your next blog.

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