Going a Different Direction?

I’m not sure what is going on.

I am trying to get respite care help, without much luck, I think. Hospice can’t do much without a terminal diagnosis. But at the same time, I am having Barry’s chiropractic x-rays sent to his regular doctor, whom he will be seeing a the end of January and he has agreed to get another chest x-ray. I want an explanation for the cough. Even if it’s just an ordinary lung infection curable with a round of antibiotics, I want to know. My need to know what is going on now trumps his unwillingness to know. I don’t care anymore if he wants to know. My willingness to live in the dark regarding his health is gone. Forever. I am not okay putting my life on hold indefinitely anymore.

But there’s something else going on, and it’s weird. The moving sense of warmth has continued. I have been trying to figure out what it causing it, to no avail. I can be outside in the snow (where I should be uniformly cold) and sometimes I will feel it moving around. I will also sense it sometimes while in bed under layers of covers (where I should be uniformly warm). I have tried to consciously control it, without luck. So…let me get this straight. I have no conscious control over it and it doesn’t seem to be affected by external factors. So, there is no internal nor external control. Is it paranormal? Intuitive? If it is one of those, is there a message for me to decipher? I feel like this could take my life in a very different direction, but I’m not sure how.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Going a Different Direction?”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    It’s hard for me to understand what you are really feeling inside…I’m getting a feeling that you are an intuit? Could this be your body/brain connection to deal with anxiety? A higher level than your conscious?

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