I dedicated this winter to going deeper within, resting from the traumas of late, and dealing with whatever needs to be dealt with. I can see the differences.
For example, my bathroom has had a few ants lately. One day, I noticed an ant going into this little gap of the caulk. What can I do? I went to the store and bought some caulk and filled the gap. I’ve never done anything like that before. Did I do it right? We’ll see.
Also, I think I’m noticing more intuition. I suspect it’s always been there, but I have always been too obsessive to notice. I was driving around yesterday, thinking about other things and it occurred to me: my husband and I are never going to see his daughter again. Maybe it’s just the emotional impact that struck me.
We have not seen Bailey in two years, since Christmas of 2014. Since we last saw her, she has gotten engaged, married, and divorced. Barry and Bailey even talked on the phone a week or two ago and she gave no indication of wanting to see her dad. I asked him if he gave her our new address and he said no. I mentioned to Jeff’s (Bailey’s first ex and father of Barry’s grandsons) mom the address we sent Bailey’s Christmas card to and she said, “That’s three addresses ago.” In other words, we do not have her address. Nobody knows where anyone else lives.
Why would we see her? I guess I had never thought of it like that. Barry had stage four cancer and she did not come and visit. We never met her latest husband. What on earth would be important enough for Bailey to say to herself, “I should really see my dad.” We are going to see the boys without her. Jeff’s parents are going to bring them to Lansing. So, Barry will see his grandkids without seeing his daughter. Weird. I really feel the emotional impact now because I don’t know how long Barry will live. It made me really sad to feel that he would never see his daughter again. The thought was so disconnected from my activity at the time—running errands. It was one of those “Where the hell did that thought come from?” thoughts.
I wanted to dig deep this winter. When you start digging, I guess you just never know what you’ll dig up.