I’ve been waiting for change for years. I have taken as much responsibility as I humanly can. I’ve prayed endlessly and fervently.
Now I am seeing movement that cannot possibly be attributed to me.
Barry has not seen his grandsons since Christmas of 2014. Now it looks like it is going to happen. Tragic stuff had to happen to get things to this point. Bailey (his daughter) had to spiral out of control. She gave up her children to their dad, Jeff. The court has granted him permanent physical custody. He wants his kids to see their Grandpa Barry. And Bailey is moving to Las Vegas on February 17! All of this is new and none of it has anything to do with me.
Also, Barry’s cough has gotten much worse. It really sounds gross. I have asked him if he would take an antibiotic if the physician’s assistant (PA) suggested it and he said no. Even if the PA says he is fine, I now know better. What I am seeing is undeniable, at least to me. Everyone can tell me I’m crazy, but reality is validating my opinions.
I’ve been looking for signs of change for a few years and now I’m seeing them. My fledgling intuition is coming to pass. And here I am, trying to convince myself that I’m not just kidding myself, again. Wow. The rational mind and ego really don’t want me listening to anything else, even if it’s just a different part of me.
I am determined to become more intuitive. And it might be working. I think.
I am lying in bed last night, relaxing. I must have fallen asleep. Barry comes into bed. Wait. He opened the bedroom door, walked in, and shut the door, all without me noticing. He leans over me to kiss my arm and I feel this whoosh of his energy come over me. That has never happened before. His energy, coming all at once, made me a little sick. I wonder if turning off my other senses is what heightened the energy sense.
One issue I have run into is my feelings. How much should I pay attention to them versus ignore them? Do my emotions interfere or are they part of the message? I spent my youth and almost all my time as a Christian ignoring them because I was told they were untrustworthy. Of course, the people telling me this would claim that their feelings were reliable. Christians loved to tell me, “The Lord told me such-and-such.” How? “I just know know it. It’s a feeling.” Eventually, I realized the emotional manipulation of it all. I’m not saying feelings are always reliable indicators of what is going on, but I believe they are a valuable factor to take into account when evaluating a situation. Funny how the ministers and church leaders that wanted me to ignore my feelings were so remarkably lacking in ethics. Bottom line: they didn’t want me seeing and knowing what they were up to. Convincing people they are crazy is the tactic of all abusers. Leaving church has been one of the best things I have ever done. Now I can learn and grow.
Right now, I am waiting for validation of some of my intuitions. I will see how accurate some of them are in the next couple weeks. Then maybe I can tweak what I am doing to make them more accurate.
I’ve been determined to be more aware of my intuition.
I can’t make it happen, but I can remove all obstacles. I’ve been meditating, reading, and living in the silence as much as possible (given that Barry has the TV on almost all the time).
I am becoming like a laser, with fewer and fewer distractions. The weather helps. When it is only 15 degrees outside and the wind is whipping around, staying indoors is the easiest choice.
I had that intuitive hit a few weeks ago of, “He (Barry) is never going to see her (Bailey) again.” I want that in every area of my life. That voice was so interesting. It was drama-free, emotion-less, simple, and matter-of-fact. There was no commentary, just a knowing and a sense of finality. I am willing to do whatever I can to hear that voice in every realm. It is so much easier now that I don’t have a house to take care of.
The next season is spring and I want to be ready as much as is possible. My obsessive mind hasn’t served me all that well and so I’m no longer letting it take the lead.