I Finally have a “Next”!
I am excited. Monday is the first day of the home care worker coming in and watching Barry.
I finally have a “next.” I feel a need to update my resume and try soon to get a weenie job. Is this what hope feels like?
My urgency comes from becoming fifty this year and having wasted so many years concerned with fulfilling societal expectations. I need to be intentional regarding everything and not allowing myself to “go with the flow” (which always goes downhill). My life is more than half over and I have never had a career. I have been too busy wasting my life and trying to be a good girl.
I am learning to manifest what I want and need. Persistence is the name of the game. I wish I could “trust the universe” to give me what I need, but I have wasted far too much time trusting others to meet my needs. Somehow, being female, I end up being expected to meet everyone else’s needs while mine go unmet. For example, I believe that workplace equality will always be a joke as long as women are simply expected as a matter of course to be the family caretakers. That’s just the way it is and, as long as women continue to play that role willingly, that is the way it always will be.
I have certain goals. One plan is to get more current on human resource laws. I have renewed my SHRM membership. Another is to rest up and get clearer regarding what I want. My life has not been about me in years and I am exhausted. I can’t sit around watching mind-numbing TV and figure out where I am going, all at the same time. I have been deliberately not sitting with Barry while he watches endless TV. He and I are on separate journeys. I am not planning on going to the grave with him. Many caretakers do not outlive their patients, but it is now looking like I just might. This is new.