Feeling Strangely Better

A couple days ago, a hospice worker came in. Barry doesn’t qualify yet, but I feel so much better. I walked around the mall wondering why I would feel so much better without Barry qualifying.

I think it’s because I know what the next step is. And the next. I feel like I am not so alone.

The weather also may play a factor. A couple weekends ago, it actually snowed. Lake effect, of course. Yesterday, it was in the low 80s. The first blush of dandelions was everywhere. And the grass is suddenly green. We still have standing water everywhere, but it has been breezy, which helps dry things out.

I may be feeling hope now. I see the next phase. My shrink recommended Michigan Rehabilitation Services because they help people get back into the workforce. I have an orientation next month.  Because I now  have some help with Barry, I can get a job. I won’t be sitting around the apartment waiting for one of us to die. I hate feeling like a vulture. He is not going to like any of the upcoming appointments, but there’s not much I can do about that.

Another reason for the feeling of new beginnings is yesterday was Holy Saturday, when I was chrismated 14 years ago. Today is Pascha (Eastern Orthodox Easter). I don’t care about any of it anymore. I thought I would miss it more than I really do. I am celebrating my independence from everyone’s opinions. It feels like freedom.

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About cdhoagpurple

I have an MBA, am married to a GM/UAW retiree with Huntington's Disease. I am more Buddhist than Christian. I plan on moving to Virginia when widowed. I have a friend''s parents that live down there and another friend living in Maryland. I am simplifying my life in preparation for the eventual move.Eight years ago, my husband had stage 4 cancer. I am truly "neither here nor there." My identity shifts and I am always surprised where I end up. 2015 was my hardest year ever. This is my Dark Night of the Soul. Welcome to it.

2 responses to “Feeling Strangely Better”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Hope. That’s what an hear! One tiny little step at a time toward freedom!

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    Crawling and clawing my way to freedom.

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