So Conflicted

I am annoying myself. My brain is in two places at once.

Barry acts like everything is fine. Part of me does not truly believe I will be working. I have seen absolutely nothing whatsoever change for years. So I feel like I need to prepare for a continuation of the status quo: Barry at home,watching TV and his health slowly declining. No movement.

And then there is the other side of me. I went to Peckham Thursday. I am completely confident they can find something employment-wise for me in the next few weeks. I see a few trees where the leaves are turning already. I am seeing more lumps on Barry’s neck. He has a neurologist appointment in October and a dentist appointment in November. I have a hard time imagining that neither of them is going to notice what’s going on. Things could change quickly.

When it comes to working, part of me is like, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” I even thought about becoming a tutor at my old high school, but I don’t want to screw things up with a place as goal-oriented as Peckham.

Still dealing with the insurance company. I am sure they owe me a boatload of money by now, but I have been too much of a coward to look at all of this and confront them.

Part of me sees signs of change another part of me just thinks the first part is delusional. What will break the tie? It will be interesting to observe what happens.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “So Conflicted”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    You have been stuck on this merry go round for so long that you might as well climb on one of those horses and just ride around for awhile so you can just observe things for awhile instead of trying to figure out where to jump off?????

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    I can’t even think about or deal with things sometimes. Then I wonder if I am keeping myself stuck. There are no good solutions. It’s why I meditate a lot, so I can just observe, before I get shoved off the merry go round.

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