Not Pretending Now

A couple days ago, I went to my alma mater, Davenport University. It was the first time I went to the new building. I was part of the last class to graduate from the crappy campus in 2012. It was a homecoming. I had never been in the new building, but I was instantly comfortable. My old adviser greeted me, as did the librarian I worked with.

I knew the career services lady from my time in the mid-aughts (000s). She is going to reach out in the community to help me find a job. She knows my challenges. I believe I will be working in the next few weeks. I have even notified Michigan Rehab Services and Peckham. The most likely possibilities are  office work (especially a support role at Jackson National Life or other maybe a health organization) or tutoring at DU itself. I get the impression I will find as much work as I can stand. The challenge will be limiting my hours to a manageable level to accommodate Barry.

It became real enough to me to order one of those systems for Barry where he can press a button and 911 will respond. I just simply cannot guarantee that I or one of those Brightstar people will be at my apartment when something happens.

I turned fifty this past Wednesday. I feel like I have screwed around enough with my stupid self-esteem/shame issues. My life is now between half and two-thirds over and I no longer have the option of not working. Every cough of Barry’s gives me a tiny feeling of panic.

I get a weekly horoscope reading and this weeks was (in part): “IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS THIS WEEK: You are at a turning point this year, choosing between who you have been and who you might yet become. This can be a very powerful time in your life, as you are more inclined to take the risks necessary for major change.” Could it be more right?

I feel like a snowball is rolling downhill in my life. It has been unleashed and I am not in control of it. Is this what being “over the hill” is about? My life feeling has gone like this: stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck, panic! I am usually bored or overwhelmed, so, yeah, that sounds about right.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Not Pretending Now”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Happy belated birthday! I have 10 years on you. Yes. Don’t know which magical age you realize…it’s now or never!

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