Right Brain Turn

Just lately, I have realized that I have gone as far as I can with my left brain. The left brain is logical and good at preparation. But it can’t give a sense of meaning or purpose. The left brain is all about the how.

The how without the why, however, is, literally, meaningless. Part of my issue for the past few years is that I have not had a sufficient why. I can do this, that, or the other thing, but so-freaking-what? I feel like I have spent my whole life preparing to live. And never actually living. It’s pretty bad when you envy your drug-addled siblings because at least they had fun!

I’ve always been too logical for that. I did not want to experience some of the more negative consequences of their behavior. In other words, keep your drugs and alcohol away from me, my car, and my residence. Life is hard enough without being paranoid the cops will pull you over and find pot seeds in the ashtray. Also, I always knew that Barry was, is, and always will be 16 years older than I am. So, I made sure I got an education so I could support myself someday. Then he got cancer and I made preparations for him to die. We have plots, a grave marker, and much of those final expenses already paid for. And then he did not die.

Meanwhile, I have spent years praying for my own demise. It’s just the burden of doing everything for two without a light at the end of the tunnel. For years. Putting my life on hold waiting for him to die while the employment gap on my resume grows by the day.

Then I reached a point where it just doesn’t matter anymore. I have to find something to do to put on my resume. I can’t let the gap keep growing, regardless of Barry’s health or lack thereof. I would never, ever have dropped out of the workforce if I seriously believed for one second that it would be 2017 and he would still be alive.

You get the point. Everything I have done has been ridiculously logical and reasonable. And meaningless. I have taken preparation to its extreme logical conclusion. And this left-brained philosophy has reached its ultimate culmination in my praying for my own death, just to have this phase of my life over.

When do I get to stop preparing to live and start actually living?

I have been doing many logical things lately, following up on other people’s ideas, that kind of thing. I have been practicing Word, Excel, and Access. I bought an SAT study guide because I might try tutoring high school students for the SAT. Why not? I kind of think of these things as giving my left brain a bone to chew on, something productive to do, as opposed to waiting for death to take me.

The real effort for the next phase of my life, however, is going to be delving into my right brain. I have realized that all of my spiritual desires can only be met by my right brain: silence, stillness, intuition, etc., are all right brain tasks. Meditation? Right brain. Chanting? Maybe both, but mostly right brain.

I need a why because how just doesn’t cut it anymore and hasn’t for a very long time.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “Right Brain Turn”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I know you are feeling wasted professionally and as a human being…what you do have is you are still putting one foot in front of the other. That sounds cliche but it’s the truth. You are still attempting to move forward. That gets a pat on the back!!

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