The Underbelly of Change

It hit me last night that every issue in my life is about change. Too fast, too slow, my degree of control within a given situation, and the corporate concept of “change management” (which may simply be delusional). Perhaps one can manage one’s response to change, but manage change itself? I am not convinced.

What I am obsessed with right now is the superficial versus deeper levels of reality. Depth, intuition, inner knowing, stillness, etc., are all right brain endeavors. Quantum entanglement, the spiritual world, and nature all operate in this realm.

But people are so overwhelmed that all they typically see is the topmost layer. And then the surface changes and almost everyone is shocked. The people not shocked are the ones paying attention to the quiet details that most overlook. I’ve seen it with Michigan’s economy. The jobs stopped paying a living wage, thereby driving away educated career-minded job-seekers. Now that there are more jobs, there are almost no qualified people to fill them. When there were no jobs, nobody noticed exodus of educated young people. I saw what was happening with every U-Haul. I knew those people weren’t moving to Lansing.

Another realm is with Barry’s health. I’ve seen this with other people’s health. Someone’s immune system goes downhill very, very slowly. There is no disruption to the routine. Everything goes on like it always has. Then, the person gets a cold (or some other normally inconsequential malady) and dies. The family is shocked. But they were doing so well! What happened? The changes were going on beneath the surface. I believe Barry could go on like this for a few years, catch a cold, and perish. Michigan winters are brutal. On everyone. I do not know the timing because I am not in his body. I know his cough is getting worse, but that’s been true for a while. I just don’t know.

My emphasis right now is improving myself. I am meditating a lot, trying to spark my intuition. I am studying Word, Excel, and Access. Part of that is because I know that when I start working, I will have zero energy to essentially do homework while taking care of Barry. When I do find volunteer work or paying work, everything could change quickly.

On the surface, absolutely nothing is changing. The lack of change has made me wonder if I was a serial killer in a previous life. To feel this stuck for so long is not even real sometimes. The lack of change is what makes me wonder if I am cursed or if there is some bizarre lesson I need to learn. I never thought it would this hard to find volunteer work.

What I know is that when change seems sudden, it only generally seems so to the people not paying attention. The surface has collapsed, but often those “in the know” have been watching the process for years. I’m not saying there are never surprises, but most shocking things happen after long years of something consistently not being addressed. That’s my opinion. Remember Columbine? Klebold and Harris had been picked on for years. You never know what state of mind someone is in when when you speak to them.

I truly feel that part of my purpose in life is to help midwife (or hospice) people and organizations through change. I see hospice workers as midwives to the other side. I feel like I have been preparing for this my whole life. Every ending is a beginning. Imagine if everyone ever alive was still alive and no one had ever died. No cemeteries. Talk about the family reunions from hell! Eight-hundred-year-old relatives telling you about when they helped build that Gothic cathedral in France.

I want to understand more about “manifestation” because I have never been able to get things from my mind to successfully give me what I need. I feel like I make all the right effort…to no avail.  I have not mastered getting things from the invisible realm to real life.

Change is reality. I’m trying to take responsibility for the things I can. Impermanence is one of the Buddhist three marks of reality, along with no-self and suffering. It is the bedrock I am building my life upon.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

2 responses to “The Underbelly of Change”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I’m having difficulty with manifestation too!

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    Easier said than done by a long shot.

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