Long Nights

Time has been going unbelievably slowly lately. So I’ve gotten a lot done. I’ve been studying my MS Office. And listening to many law of attraction and binaural beat recordings.

I am looking for things that get me excited. I am having a hard time at this. Part of this is my history of over-involvement with things that offer me nothing. Getting my emotional ass kicked by subconscious unmet emotional needs.

The last time I got really excited by anything was when I discovered Eastern Orthodoxy. It met my current (at that time) intellectual questions and provided the structure I craved. I went looking for hesychia (silence and stillness) and found a Greek country club. I looked for structure and found a pastor incapable of being supportive of any opinion that he had not previously approved.

The upside is that the Greek Orthodox church cured me of my religious addiction. Permanently.

The downside is that I am wary of anything that excites me. How do I know I’m not just going on another emotional roller coaster that ends with me still (and always) being responsible for everything in my life, as well as now having made a new huge commitment that has zero ability to meet any real-world need of mine? I can’t blame others. I was attracted to this crap. It’s all me.

But I have to find something to get enthusiastic about. Life without any positive expectation whatsoever has no color or interest. Kill me now. I need a new perspective. Badly. Otherwise, I am so depressed that I can’t find a job that I pray not to wake up.

Meanwhile, the nights crawl by. But I can at least do some serious reading and listening. I need a new direction. I feel like the momentum is g-o-n-e. Perhaps this works for the best, but it’s hard to have perspective at the bottom of the valley.

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Long Nights”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    I just don’t know! I have had these moments too which actually lasted for years. I went the route of anti depressants when I could no longer function. It helped. My downfall was thinking it was the cure instead of using it as a crutch in order to give me peace of mind while I sought therapy. My two bouts of therapy with a psychologist started me on the road back. It took me a lot longer than I think it takes other people. I’ve accepted I will always have to self talk meditate and seek answers….

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