Barry Gone

Barry was on hospice all of one day. It was, on the one hand, astonishingly fast, and,  on the other, prolonged suffering and agony from Huntington’s Disease. His death was awful to witness. I cannot wait for the hospital bed to be removed because every time I see it (in the middle of my living room), I see how he looked in his last moments.

He passed with me holding his hand, telling him how much I love him. I believe he waited for the home health aide to leave so he could be with me alone. He was incapable of communicating. He was struggling to breathe. I had just given him another dose of morphine and was waiting for the hospice nurse to arrive. She arrived, despite the icy roads, and, within one minute, declared him dead. I asked, “Are you sure?” and she said, “Oh, yeah, I’m sure.”

Huntington’s is a bad way to go. Before the home health aide left, I commented that, if I saw a dog in that much suffering, I would have it put down. I am having him cremated because I want nobody to remember him the way he looked at the end. I want people to remember the good things about him, not the ugliness of the Huntington’s.

I have been widowed all of 48 hours. I have hardly stopped to breathe. For the past week, it has been nothing but a parade of people coming into the apartment and me signing tons of forms. He was rushed onto hospice and had not even seen the hospice doctor yet. I am waiting for things to calm down. It may be a while.

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About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

3 responses to “Barry Gone”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    What is there to say! I know you probably have one hell of a lot of emotions to work through. I’m sorry death was so painful for him and you! He’s gone….not suffering and I hope you are taking some healing breaths, my friend! I know I’m just a blog friend but I’m still terribly sorry I didn’t get on and get caught up sooner. Namaste!

  2. cdhoagpurple says :

    I personally suck at keeping up with my (and everyone else’s) blog. I am so glad he is out of his misery. On the day he died, I even told the home health aide that, if I saw a dog or cat in that much suffering, I would not hesitate to put it to sleep. My emotions are everywhere, from relief one minute to crying at the pet food commercial the next. Ugh. Thank you. Namaste.

  3. Ninasusan says :

    How are you doing today. right now?

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