Not So Numb

Life without Barry has been overwhelming. So many details.

I go in and out of numbness. I spent the first couple weeks continuously numb. I could walk and act like a normal human, but that’s all it was: acting. People expect me to respond as a regular person. You know, the normal stuff, like updating my resume and seeking employment.

But my old world is gone. I got married at 21 and am now 50. I have spent my entire adulthood married. And I will likely always feel married. I got married and never got divorced. But I’m single? Huh? It may always be weird going to bed and not having him tugging on the covers. It is still strange to be done with an appointment and not need to hurry home because no one is there waiting for me.

I will emerge from this cocoon of marriage and identity. I have no identity now. I have been waiting for Barry’s death for so long. His suffering is finally over. The last couple years, neither one of us had any real quality of life. I can begin again. Why do I feel abandoned?

About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Not So Numb”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    Perhaps you realize that the last few years are absolutely nothing that you expected nearly 30 years ago and you are feeling abandoned for lost years which left yo7 feeling alone for so many of them?

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