Not This or That

Who the hell am I?

I have never been this lost.

I have been trying to get a part-time job, without much luck so far. It would be the first post-Barry employment.

But I ache for Barry. I took a nap today, which I seldom do. I had a dream with Barry. He was driving the car and I had my head on his shoulder. It felt so good. I’ve been having dreams with him. The numbness has worn off. I miss him. Not the Barry that died the God-awful, horrific, advertisement-for-euthanasia, death. No. The Barry that I married.

So I put my wedding band back on. And it feels right. I’m not married, but I didn’t get divorced, either.

Winter won’t end. The weather just continues to suck. Snow and rain. Upper 30s. Yuck. Technically, it is spring, but that doesn’t seem meaningful.

I am neither married nor single. I’m not working, but I did tutor a little today and I don’t need to work at the moment.

I am between identities. I do not want to hurry and take the first job offered. I want to do something meaningful. I may never tell strangers that I am technically single. I want to embrace the in-between-ness.


About cdhoagpurple

I live in Michigan. I was Greek Orthodox (and previously Protestant), but now am more Buddhist than anything. I am single now (through the till-death-do-you-part clause of the marriage contract). My husband Barry was a good man and celebrated 30 years in AA. I am overly educated, with an MBA. My life felt terminally in-limbo while caring for a sick husband, but I am free now. I see all things as being in transition. Impermanence is the ultimate fact of life. Nothing remains the same, good or bad.

One response to “Not This or That”

  1. Ninasusan says :

    This spring sucks. That’s as eloquent as I can do. Normally trees are leafing….supposed to get down to 20 tonight. WTH

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